I remember when I was a kid, I would knock on my neighbor’s door to play with one of the kids, and when the parents would ask who was knocking, I’d think: “I hate this name. I want to change it.”
I didn’t start transitioning—socially or medically—until last year. I didn’t really realize. I’m masculine, and I feel empowered by masculine pronouns, but I lean more towards non-binary. The typical trans representation is: ‘I feel like I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body’. I don’t feel like that. I just feel like it’s my body; I’m me.
I do sound for bands, and I’m in a band, so I’m always meeting new people. It was important for me to have a name that made me feel comfortable. When I was deciding on names, I was looking at lists of baby names, and Grey was the one that stuck out for me. I like the neutrality of the name. It can be a little ambiguous, and it’s not overly masculine, but it’s not feminine. And it’s unusual.
Before getting my legal name change, it gave me really bad anxiety to go to bars for shows and to pull out an ID that had my old name. It was this feeling of: “God, this isn’t me anymore.” It feels so good to be able to give someone my debit card now and say, “Yes, this is me.”
Another big anxiety of mine over the transitioning period is that, since I’ve played in bands since I was 16 years old (I’m 28 now), I’ve toured all over the country; I know so many people who I’ll only see once a year, or once every couple of years. I have to say, “Hey, my name’s Grey now. I use male and gender-neutral pronouns.” My partner Stephanie and my housemate Matty have always made me feel really special and supported—able to tackle it. They always listen to me talk about how I feel. And they’re always there to gently correct people when they get something wrong.
The name change process can be intimidating. There’s a lot of bureaucracy, and it’s expensive. On top of that, there’s typically a lot of hostility between trans people and law enforcement. So it’s so nice to have this service available—to have people who get it, who you can call and ask any question and feel comfortable.
If you’re thinking about getting a name change, my advice would be to do research and find a name that fits. You need something to be called when you’re born—but it’s a big deal for your parents to pick this thing that is going to be such an important part of your life and your identity. It’s a big thing for someone else to decide for you.
A name says a lot about you, how you own it and live up to it. I wanted a name that would make me feel empowered. When I put my hand out for a handshake and say, “Hey, my name’s Grey”, it makes me feel empowered.